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 My Dilemma

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Cairo
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Cairo


Posts : 112
Join date : 2011-04-08

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Name: Cairo
Gender: Male
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PostSubject: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeFri Mar 14, 2014 12:28 pm

So my girlfriend wants to have a threesome. The girl she's chosen is her best friend. I'm not going to lie. I want to do it. I REALLY want to do it. But I know I shouldn't. I have very intense feelings for the girl in question (I know that makes me a horrible person but I don't know what to do.) I don't think there's a woman I know who's more attractive to me than her, physically or mentally. She understands what I'm thinking or going through without me having to say a word, which is more than I can say for my own girlfriend. She's really become one of my best friends...

I do everything I can to suppress these feelings, and bury them DEEP DEEP inside me, but there are things I can't help. When I close my eyes at night, I dream about her. When I hear Usher-You make me wanna, SWV-I'm So Into You, or a bunch of other songs, she's all I think about. And there's nothing like the excitement I feel when I know I'm going to see her.

I kissed her the other night... It was just a little 6th grade kiss, and it was just to illustrate a point. But Her lips have been on my mind ever since. Imagine what would happen if I had sex with her? I'm not sure I'd be able to continue containing all of this. My hope is that expressing it will help me, that's why I'm writing this where neither of them will ever see it. I do love my girlfriend, but I know I'm falling for this this girl. I don't know what I should do...
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Cairo
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Cairo


Posts : 112
Join date : 2011-04-08

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Name: Cairo
Gender: Male
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PostSubject: Re: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeTue Apr 01, 2014 6:35 pm

Her energy gives me life! Like, I actually feel more alive when she's around! and I feel less energetic when she leaves. I can't even begin to express all the things I love about this woman...

She doesn't talk a lot. But when she opens her mouth I know she had something of value to say. She thinks below she speaks.

I told her about my doubts about my current Relationship the other day. Know what she told me? She already knew! She could see it in my face! She pays attention in ways my own girlfriend couldn't begin to understand! And I'm pretty sure she doesn't even see me that way!

I don't want to hurt anyone. But it's getting harder to keep this contained. The feelings get stronger daily. I dream of her more and more often. I know she's single and free to do what she wants. But I HATE to see her show another man attention! But all I can do is swallow it and pretend I don't notice!

This will kill me. The excitement I feel when I see her is mixed with a little more sadness every time. Because the coat I get with her the more I realize how impossible the situation is. There's no happy ending to come from this. Maybe it's best if I just remove myself from it all...
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Cairo
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Cairo


Posts : 112
Join date : 2011-04-08

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Name: Cairo
Gender: Male
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PostSubject: Re: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeFri Apr 25, 2014 3:58 pm

Kyhanna,

I had to read this again before I could be certain I would show it to you.  But now that I've decided to allow you to see it there are some things I want to say to you. And since seeing you in person and one on one is difficult,  this week have to do.

It's typically my policy,  when I show interest in a woman, to be completely transparent about it. I like to make my thoughts and feelings known so there are no questions.  That being said,  I've never had to keep so many secrets,  or tell so many lies or half truths before. It's uncharacteristic of me. And it SUCKS having to so frequently be something other than yourself.

But what you see above is the truth. I'd love to say I'd be fine with things going on the way they are,  but I believe you know me well enough to know that isn't true. As I told you earlier I don't see a happy ending coming off this.  My premonition (as well as my fear) is a scenario in which we exchange pleasantries on occasion at best. Needless to say I don't want that. But I'm not naive enough to expect,  or even hope for,  some Grand future together either. The best I can ask is that when this is all said and done, you stay in my life in some shape form or fashion. I hope that much is possible. And I hope the faceless boyfriend I'm so frequently reminded of lately knows how lucky he is.

you know, it's funny. You were there every time I went to Military Ball. That means there were three seperate occassions in which we were in the same room, before she was ever a thought in the back of my head. And you never once crossed my line of vision. I know this for a fact, because there's no doubt in my mind I would have tried to talk to you. Get your name, number, SOMETHING! Can't help but think someone up there has a cruel sense of humor when i think about it.

There are a million things I could say to you, but I'm going to cut it short here. Hope you're not as whelmed as you deserve to be. xD


Last edited by Cairo on Fri Apr 25, 2014 5:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Cairo
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Cairo


Posts : 112
Join date : 2011-04-08

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Name: Cairo
Gender: Male
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PostSubject: Re: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeMon May 05, 2014 9:19 am

I've decided to continue this. It helps me clear my head to get it all down somewhere. Maybe I'll invite her back here one day, if we ever -do- end up together. Not that I'm getting my hopes up about that, but at this point it at least seems semi-possible. I broke up with Sashua last week. (Best decision of my life) It feels nice not to be weighed down by her. Not only that, but now I'm free to be more expressive. I'm free to "Advertise" myself a bit, spend some time with her. Even hang out with just us. I actually spent the day with her twice last week. I just have to be careful. I promised her I wouldn't overstep my boundaries or try to step on her relationship.

It's usually not that difficult. But there are moments... MAN there are moments...Sometimes it just feels like the right thing to do in the moment is kiss her, you know? I've taken to biting my hand whenever my thoughts go too far into left field. It seems to be doing the job. And I don't think she's noticed it yet. I intend to keep my promise. I will respect Kyhanna's relationship. But at the same time, like her, I'm a logical thinker. We've been talking constantly since I showed her this page. She once told me that, if she was mine, she wouldn't entertain other men. Yet she's spent a considerable amount of time entertaining me. A woman doesn't stay up all night on the phone with a man she doesn't want to talk to. She won't take a man's hand if she doesn't want to be in contact with him. I know she's interested in me too. That's why she tolerates a certain degree of advances. Of course, I'm always conscious of what lines i can and can't cross, but the fact still remains.

All this being said, I've decided to back off a bit. I still intend to hang with her from time to time. But I don't want to be too aggressive. Girls are coming out the woodworks trying to get at me and they're bugging the hell out of me. I don't want to be that to her. I've been in love a few times in my life. (3 i think) But I've -never- felt like a woman was MADE for me, until I met her. So I won't act in a manner that will end up pushing her away. Maybe I'll go on a date or two...I don't know yet. It's not like there's a manual for this type of thing. But for now, I'm just going to play it cool.
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Cairo
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Cairo


Posts : 112
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Name: Cairo
Gender: Male
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PostSubject: Re: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeThu May 22, 2014 10:28 pm

SO! Backing off... Wanna know how that's going? It's not. I try not to be too aggressive, as I said, but I probably talk to her more often now than I ever have; Often times until insane hours of the night. She seems to be in a similar place as me in her life, searching for what's next, as well as searching for the motivation to seek it out. I told her I wanted to be that motivation. I told her I want to see her succeed. I meant it. But I don't really know how to do that. Yesterday I told her I would take her to the library to do some research on potential school programs and careers. I -did- take her to the library, but the majority of that trip consisted of sharing a pint of Ice cream on the library steps, and a completely unrelated trip for sushi.

It always turns out that way. I make plans for a platonic trip, but our time together always picks up a romantic air to it. A part of me is happy about that but then I feel guilty because that really isn't my intention. I really am trying to be her friend. But that can be difficult when She knows exactly how I feel about her, and I can typically tell (to some extent) what it is that she's thinking.

In my moments of what I call "Radical Honesty" She typically doesn't say much. Not since her initial confessions, At least. There are times when that tears at my nerves. But then She always does something to remind me that that she's making an attempt to behave appropriately for the sake of her relationship. And then, from time to time, She'll have a similar moment of honesty that makes it even more difficult. I pointed out to her a couple days ago that I recognize when she wants to say something, but decides it's best to stay quiet. Her response was "I know. But that's because I want you too."

You have NO IDEA how much that fucked with my head. Not because I didn't already know that to be the case, but because she actually said it! She's not the type of person who would abandon a relationship for another. It's one of the things I love and respect about her. But I can't help but have a selfish thought here and there...

I said I was going to go on a date or two in my last post. Think I did it? NOPE! In fact, every potential prospect I've had, I've dropped and gone on about my business. At this point, there is no one. Kyhanna is the only person I'm fairly certain I'll speak to every day. The only person I WANT to speak to, at least... I'm not even going to get started on my other issues here. This blog is specifically for THIS issue. And this one alone is enough to make me question my sanity sometimes. That's all for now I guess. Probably stop back by in a week or two...
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Cairo
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Cairo


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PostSubject: Re: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeTue Jun 17, 2014 1:12 pm

Feelings are stupid...


Just needed to get that out of the way. Ok. Since the last time I posted here, I have made an effort to back off a bit. But then, Kyhanna made an even stronger effort. I haven't seen her since the library. We still talk from time to time, but not nearly as frequently. I've gone on a couple dates. And I had a good time, but honestly I could have been out with a family member, and had the same fun. I've been keeping myself busy with work, and writing, and things like that, but a moment of downtime is really all it takes to get my mind right back at the starting place.

It really SUCKS! If I'm watching HULU and a commercial comes up for something that looks cool or interesting, I don't think "Oh, that looks cool! I want to do that!" I think "Oh! That looks cool! I want to do that with Kyhanna!" But I can't. I've been cut off from anything that could be percieved as having a romantic connotation. Not that I don't understand. It seems her boyfriend has started to grow suspicious. Apparently he wants to meet me. I know what that means. Do I blame him? No. But still I'm not enjoying this.
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Sachiel
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PostSubject: Re: My Dilemma   My Dilemma Icon_minitimeWed Sep 13, 2017 10:31 am

Man it's been such a long time since I wrote here...Things have changed so much... Things had started getting better since the last time I wrote. We had started getting closer. Started going on dates, and sharing real moments together. And then she went away...

I was still holding out for her for quite some time. Hoping the pieces would just fall together. But at some point, wiht her so out of reach, I figured what could it hurt to try another relationship?

And so I did.

And here I am, halfway across the country, with another girlfriend that wants to spend her life with me. But just like last time, I can't get Kyhanna off my mind! And this time it's worse! Because I have a good one, who truly makes me happy! And not in a "This is my girlfriend so this is what I'm supposed to say" kind of way.

But I've been in love with Kyhanna for over three years now, and I don't think I could ever -not- be in love with her. Every little thing reminds me of what could have been, or what could be and I don't want to hurt anyone else, but I really don't see myself being able to fully commit emotionally to anyone else. I'm terrified of the both of us finding someone, and (whether acting on it or not,) still being drawn to each other.

I honestly feel like, I could go back home, and be single, and going on random dates that I know aren't leading anywhere while I wait for my next opportunity to get an hour of her time and be (mostly) content!

I actually had a dream that I did that not too long ago. I went home to live as a bachelor while she searched for "the one." and we went on a date here or there. Eventually, we decided to have a baby together (o.O) just to ensure that we would always be a part of each other's lives. (Horrible reason.) But it actually worked out! We co-parented, and never had any issues, and raised a brilliant baby girl! But I never got what I really wanted. It's funny, that actually doesn't sound like the worst fate I could meet. Actually sounds better than a lot of alternatives.

I don't know what is going to happen with this relationship, but I know that if it doesn't work out, I won't pursue anyone else. I'd rather be alone than settle for someone else.

#ProblemsWithPeopleInLove
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